Samatha Rosie, holding my finger
Our life in the NICU - thank God for that iPad, its the only thing that distracts her from pulling wires and tubes
It has obviously been a while since I have poured my feelings out on "paper" but I feel that I have become overwhelmed with conflicting emotions and should let them out. I am a very strong and positive person, but sometimes life gets you in this corner that you feel that all you can do is crouch down and let it hit you for a while, knowing that you'll gain your strength again to fight back soon. Things are out of my control.
Make these decisions and tell me what is the right one:
Liliana had eye surgery on Monday - When do I see Samantha if I am at a different hospital all day and was up at 4am?
Liliana needs to recover all week and wants her mommy to cuddle with - When do I see Samantha if I can't get a babysitter?
Have you ever spent 3 days without seeing your child? Have you ever spent 3 days not seeing your child while they were in the hospital? Hold on, has your baby ever even been in the hospital? Mine has been there for 95 days.
Samantha is internally bleeding because of an allergic reaction to something in my breastmilk - I am off of Wheat, Dairy, Fish, Soy, Nuts and Eggs - The formula they are giving to her is expensive ($30 - 50 a can, that lasts 2-3 days) My options are to stay on this diet in the hopes that she can take my milk and stop bleeding or say F**K it and give her the formula - do the math, its close to $10,000 for the year.
I am home with Liliana and I regularly call the hospital to check in. I hear my other daughter grunting and crying in pain because her tummy hurts and she has so much gas and poo that her little body can't push out. I can't be with her to ease her pain because I am easing the pain of my other daughter - an hour away. Where do you go when you truly need to be in 2 places at once?
On another note, just wrapping my head around being with one child and calling to check in on another child who is being taken care of by a person you have never met is still so hard to do.
You would think being on this super clean diet would have made me lose some weight, funny enough it hasn't made me drop a pound. I have learned that when I am stressed my body holds on to all the fat it can. Great, so no benefit there.
Sometimes I fake being happy for the sake of Liliana. I really just want to crawl in a hole for an hour or so, cry and shake off this nasty feeling. I am not this person. I am stronger than that. People keep saying how well I am taking all this, how they couldn't handle it and if it had to happen, its good it happened to me because I already went through it and came out successful. This is fricken hard. The hardest thing that we have ever had to deal with and I dont know how I am holding it all in. I really dont. Liliana went in for her surgery and I went with her. I held her (along with 5 other people) down while they put the mask on her to put her to sleep. I saw my child fight with every ounce of her strength not to get this weird thing put on her face by some weird man and I had to let it happen. I walked out of the OR and was overwhellmed with tears - but didnt cry. The doctor said she has never seen such a strong mom, that clearly I was made for this and that going through everything we have gone through with the girls has made me so strong - and still I didn't cry. Have I become too strong that I can't shed emotion when I should? Will I melt once my life can start again with my family all under one roof? I have no clue. but I know that I am not alone. and I might be laughed at or felt sorry for by writing this and sharing it with the world, but I dont care. Punch me all you want, I am already in the corner - give me a few weeks - I'll be right back up.
