Trying to see the good in things

As most of you know, every single night I spend a very special hour or two sometimes three, with my oldest daughter Liliana.  This time begins after watching Frozen or Tangled, once we have brushed our teeth, done a pee pee and read a story, no 2 stories.  The lights go off and the party begins.  She cries, she laughs, she asks me if she can tell me a story, a story about a chicken, a little baby chicken.  And with every ounce of me I try to stay quiet and not burst out laughing while simultaneously scream my face off.  Some variation of this has been happening every single night (except for a very amazing 2 weeks, when the sleep training actually worked!!) since she came home from the hospital April 2012.  2 and a half years.  It is bananas.
I have spoken to sleep doulas, emailed sleep experts, read a ridiculous amount of websites and books, talked to a behavior specialist - who gave me the tools to have those 2 amazing weeks,  It was so bad that one 'expert' even told me that preemies can't be sleep trained and to just accept this as my normal.  That was when it was really bad, that was when it was 3-4 hours (no exaggeration) of screaming, crying, hyperventilating, hair being ripped out of her head and eyelash pulling.  Every night, as if it was her job.  And - I WAS IN HER ROOM RIGHT BESIDE HER!!!!
So now, we are down to about an hour or so of somewhat calm tossing and turning, playing with her stuffed animal friend, checking to make sure I am there and begging me to hold her hand but not even wanting it anyways.  I have tried what worked in the past, but she is too smart for that now.  She asks waits for me to get back or she climbs out of her bed and rattles the gate until I come or until her baby sister next door wakes up.
So I stay.  I brush her teeth, do a pee pee, read a story, no 2 stories, hug her and tell her I love her and mentally prepare myself for spending hours in the dark on a super uncomfortable chair, listening to the white noise machine and loathing every minute of it.
Do you know what I could be doing with an uninterrupted hour at the end of the day while I still have energy?!?!  I know, I know because I think about every unfolded piece of laundry, the wet clothes that need to be put in the dryer, the toys on the floor that need to be put away, the dirty dishes that I left on the counter, the work I need to do on my website www.StouffvilleBootcamp.ca, check my facebook, twitter and instagram accounts - you know, the important things a SAHM needs to do!
C'est La Vie.  This will not happen until at least 10pm/ and who the hell wants to do all that at 10pm!!!
So I have decided to try to turn my focus to the positive.  I know try is a weak word according to my husband, but sometimes I am weak so I do mean try.  I am going to use this time to reflect about my day, the week that is coming and what is making me happy or sad.  Some people might call this meditation, and I guess it could be, but I am also going to incorporate a super low intensity workout as well!  what!!  It wouldn't be me unless I was planking as well.  I can't really be mad at my daughter for inheriting my 'i must be missing out on something' and 'need to constantly be social' genes.
This is a guaranteed part of my day - as guaranteed as wiping a bum or feeding someone.  I will absolutely spend a minimum of an hour in complete darkness - so instead of listening to her toss and turn and talk to herself, I am going to spend this hour on my self.  shock.  I'll let you know how that all works out for me.  Maybe my ying will reconnect with my yang and the terrible twos that I deal with during the day, won't' bother me as much.  Or maybe I'll just continue to be sleep deprived and learn to love the sound of an eye lid hitting an eye ball when she pulls at her eyelashes.