Perception is WAY off.

I have kept a journal since I was old enough to write.  I have notebook after notebook of my thoughts, my crushes and my feelings about life.  More importantly I have kept a separate green notebook of my weight, measurements and feelings on that day - this one I have kept for 7 years.  I have monthly obsessive measurements of each of the important parts of my body (chest, waist, hips, bum and legs) and weight along with whether I felt skinny, bloated, had my period or was late (eekk!!).  Like a robot I weighed in each month, and wrote it down.  Sometimes I felt great, looking back I lost half an inch from last month!  or I would feel like crap when I gained a few pounds.  Regardless, I wasn't happy with myself for more than a few days a month.  It was there, in black and white, my fears (weight gain) and triumphs (yay, I had the flu for a week and lost 5lbs!).
Getting married, leaving a job, living like a gypsy, trying to get pregnant, getting pregnant, having a baby early, spending 4 months in a hospital and then finally trying to make our new family and new house a home - meant a weight gain of over 50lbs.  I am, from deep deep down in my soul, an emotional eater.  I eat my feelings, and lord knows I had A LOT of feelings over the past 3 years.
Through all of that, I still wrote in my little green notebook.  And I was sad.  Looking back at the years  when I was 134lbs and unhappy was heartbreaking.  Thanks to Facebook - I can go back to virtually the same days I wrote my weight and look at pictures of myself and see how dam good I look!  Its amazing that when your in it, you think the worst - Im so fat, im so unhealthy, im ugly and then when you have the chance to look back on it, you think wow - THATS my goal.  Pictures of myself are posted on my wall as inspiration to get back to.  How insane is that?!?!?!  One minute 134lbs makes me so sad and fat, and 5 years later its my goal!

Bananas.

So, whats my point.  My point is that you should be happy with what you are now.  If its not what you want, work on it everyday (im not talking obsessively) until it is what you are happy with.  We should feel comfortable and happy with ourselves everyday.  As I am sure most of you have already seen the Dove commercial where someone sketches women based on their descriptions of themselves and then another portrait based on descriptions of others views of them.  and what do you get??  2 completely different portraits - a happy one (what others saw) and an unhappy one (what the person saw).  how sad is that.  The world is looking and you and thinks your gorgeous.  You look at yourself and think the world sees you as ugly, frumpy and old.
I am working on feeling confident in myself every day.  I don't have 100% confidence yet, but I am actively working on getting it everyday.  My goal is to exude confidence and be happy with myself at whatever weight is the healthiest for me.  I want to feel good in my clothes - not worry about what size they are.  I want my daughter to look up to me as a role model.  I don't want her to be picked on for not looking a certain way, not being skinny enough, not being tall enough, not being pretty enough.  I am taking the steps to make myself feel good.  I think you should too.  I think you stand in front of a full length mirror in your funderware (aka fun underware ;) ) and pick out all the things you "think" are wrong or need work.  Do it, just once.  Write it down and then make the decision to work on making yourself happy with them rather than dwelling on them.  You can't complain if you don't do anything about it.  For every negative comment you give yourself, find a way to make it positive.  My hips have widened since I had shorty and the shape of my body isn't the hourglass it was.  I don't like it, but you know what?  I can hold Liliana up on my hips for way longer than some skinny moms can, and for that I am happy with the size of my hips.  My hips hold up my daughter long enough for me to dance with her in the kitchen.

This was a little bit of emotional writing for me to keep my fingers busy rather than reaching for the Tositios.  Its been one of those weeks where Im just feeling like ass on a stick - but I know tomorrow will be better.  As my husband always says - failure is not an option - and I can't fail.  I won't fail.  I worked hard today, but I'll work harder tomorrow.

:)